Column: You’re probably reading this wrong

Whatever you’re doing right now, stop. Just stop.

Because chances are no matter what it is, you’re doing it wrong.

Using a cotton swab to clean your ear canal? Wrong.

Dispensing a Tic Tac with the opening face-down? Seriously, what’s the matter with you?

Cutting a watermelon into slices? Put down that knife before you embarrass yourself.

From the proper method for holding a hamburger or slice of pizza  to the right way to dry wine glasses, insert a bobby pin, unroll aluminum foil or pour liquid from a carton, it seems our instincts have found no shortage of ways to betray us.

Whether it’s the right way to use an  everyday product, the foods we choose to eat — including when and where we eat them — or basic bodily functions, we are, apparently, as clueless as they come.

And that includes doing one of the things you’d think would come most naturally to a person — making a number 2.

Believe it or not, the proper method is slightly more complicated than any of us ever suspected, and (spoiler) it involves a foot stool (no pun intended).

Luckily, we have the internet   to set us straight.

Google “40 things you’re doing wrong” — you’ll see.

Short of time? Try “19 things you do wrong every single day.”  Or “10 things… 21 things… 22… 15…”

One thing we do excel at is making lists of our collective shortcomings.

Turns out, we silly humans can’t even figure out  how to wash our own hair, pack a suitcase properly, fill a bucket with water or put in ear buds.  How have we made it this far as a species?

Let’s say you’ve made the (solid) decision to avoid the internet entirely — sorry, you’re still not off the hook. (That’s assuming you even know the correct way to use a hook. Which, let’s face it, you probably don’t).

There’s always that one guy  (or gal, we’re equally guilty) who’s willing to share their vast knowledge whenever they manage to corner you at a party.

On the bright side, their nattering might just distract you from the fact the hostess is using soda water — soda water, are you kidding me? — to get out a red wine stain, Because everyone knows you’re supposed to use white wine for that.

And it should come as no surprise to anyone that scientists like to get in on the act. They’re the biggest know-it-alls out there.

You eat eggs? What, are you trying to kill yourself? Perhaps you’ve never heard of a little thing called cholesterol.

You’ve cut eggs out of your diet? Why on Earth would you do that? Don’t you know they’re full of healthy protein?

And don’t even get them started on coffee, butter or red wine.

Clearly, we’ve Googled our way into an infinite no-win situation. The only solution, as far as I can tell, is to ignore the “experts” and keep on doing what works, no matter how ridiculous you look in the process.

As the kids say, “You do you.”

It’s easy. And if you can’t figure it out,  the instructions are probably online.