Dear Editor,
As an electric-vehicle Guinness World Record setter and avid member of the fastest growing demographic in cycling, the middle-aged white male, I would like to formally apologize to all you poor rich entitled brats who seem to despise the horrible inconvenience we have inflicted upon you.
People who complain about our environmental stewardship, and slower, healthier pace and lifestyles that so clearly threaten your get-the-heck-out-of-my-way-I’m-in-a-hurry-and-more-important-than-you way of life.
So pardon us for being happy that any council does this to you and for you, so ungraciously sacrificing a part of your high-speed, multi-lane thoroughfare, just so we can have the peace of mind and safety of a shared, raised, or extra-wide painted pathway, so as to not be worried about getting hit in the back of the helmet by the trailer mirror of some distracted driving airhead driving a duelie to go get groceries.
And far be it from us to denounce your lack of concern for the environment for driving said 3-ton diesel belching behemoth for purposes other than delivering animal feed or pulling a trailer.
And let’s not forget that there are laws requiring you to give us one metre when passing, to check your mirrors when opening your doors, and that honking a horn at us only strengthens our resolve to keep on pissing you off.
And by the way you fossil-fuel burning fossil, oil is the suns excrement, the oil reserves are its septic tank, a gasoline engine is not an electric motor, and you can’t even start one of yours without one of ours. Meanwhile, we hope you don’t mind as we are going to continue to live cleaner, healthier lifestyles so that one day, we will all live long enough to actually pay off our overpriced mortgages.
And by the way, Montreal leads Canada in cycling implementation and usage, so if we really want to be the greenest city in the world by 2020, then you premium elitist engine heads are really gonna lose it. Have a nice day and happy cycling, everyone.
Danny A. “Hurricane” Halmo, Langley City