Where are all the artisanal, small batch, organic criminals?
It seems that during the past decade, every other human endeavour has come under the thrall of the quasi-hipster “authenticity” movement.
It’s not a beer, it’s an small-batch IPA. It’s not meat, it’s charcuterie! It’s not a bunch of stuff you’ve crammed into your garage, it’s a curated collection of artifacts.
So why not crime? Why are people not trying to get in touch with authentic criminal folkways of the past? Criminals and their victims used to have a real organic connection, you know? It wasn’t just a mugging, it was all about selecting the proper urine-stained alley with too few sodium-vapour street lights.
A mugging like that, you’ll still be telling your grandkids about. Some guy who pretends he’s selling an iPad on Craigslist and points an airsoft pistol at you? That guy needs to be more mindful of his lifeway, I’ll tell you that.
So here’s a few tips for any budding criminals out there:
• Heritage is imporant
Have you ever considered getting a tricorner hat, a flintlock pistol, a spadroon, and a stallion black as midnight and swift as lightning? Maybe you should!
Highwaymen used to be respected (well, not respected exactly) part of the community. Going out and being told to “Stand and deliver!” really livened up a trip from one Tudor-era English country house to another.
Remember – don’t shoot over the coachman’s head unless you have multiple pistols loaded.
• Don’t be a stranger
It’s obviously tempting, after having drilled through a safe or climbed up four storeys to an unguarded window, to just grab the jewels and hightail it out of there.
But take a moment to leave your calling card. It adds that touch of class that reminds people of Carey Grant and Grace Kelly, of the days when going to dinner meant wearing a tie or pearls.
Make sure no one else is using your nom de crime. You have no idea how many people are already “The Black Cat.”
• Get an A for effort
Crime is about the journey. Sure, you could just siphon millions from your target’s bitcoin accounts after you find his password on a Post-It. But wouldn’t it be more fun to create an elaborate sting, complete with multiple turnabouts, a fake betting parlour, and dozens of hired con men playing small parts?
These crimehacks will make your next spree of robbery a vital part of our community, and likely only add a few years to your sentence.