Painful Truth: The best bad ideas for next year’s columns

To provoke discussion, you have to first provoke.

We could use some more letters to the editor.

Whenever this happens, it’s not the fault of the readers. It’s clearly the fault of the columnists.

A reporter’s job is to tell the truth in a calm, neutral tone, revealing fact while shedding light on as many sides of an issue as possible.

A columnist’s job is to tell the truth in a loud, angry, possibly deranged voice, in a way that makes you want to pick up something heavy, maybe so you can swing it at the columnist.

So here is a list of possible column topics for the coming year. Please print out this column and mail it back to the Langley Advance, with the columns that will make you angriest circled. Red pen is preferred.

• Beer tastes bad and you’ve all been fooling yourselves

• Why we must nationalize all cars

• Why you will be happier when hockey is banned

Doctor Who Cares, Am I Right?

• Why Stranger Things is secretly libertarian propaganda

• Why Stranger Things is secretly Marxist propaganda

• Prisons: Would they make great daycares?

• Raise the minimum wage to $40 an hour

• Child labour made this country great and it can do so again!

• Peter Dinklage: Not the best actor on Game of Thrones

• Original Battlestar Galactica was superior to Star Wars and Star Trek

• Were absolute monarchies really so awful?

• Why we must nationalize your pets

• Should it be ‘free’ speech or should we charge for it?

• Wine also tastes bad, by the way

• All who prefer pancakes to waffles should be exiled

• Men: are we really that necessary?

• Allow no new buildings of less than 10 storeys

• Eight-lane highways: Can they enhance the environment?

• Science proves cats, dogs, children, and most adults incapable of loving you

• Rich people deserve it all, stop whining

• Zucchini can and should replace turkey on our dinner plates

• Why we must nationalize Christmas

• Coffee also tastes terrible, FYI

Responses can be mailed to the Langley Advance, #112-6375 202 St., Langley, B.C., V2Y 1N1.

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