My toaster is not working properly.
The inside elements are not coming on and I have to toast one side at a time, taking the bread out, turning it around and popping it back down.
This is annoying because it disturbs the morning routine. The eggs, the toast and the coffee should all be ready at the same time if the day is going to start properly.
I fiddled with the bagel knob and played with the darkness setting, but no luck.
I picked it up and whacked it, because that’s what we do, and all that did was cause the little door on the bottom to fly open and I had toaster crumbs everywhere.
It looked like I needed a new toaster so I examined my options.
In my wallet, prominently displayed where my badge used to be, is my Value Village Super Savers Club Card and there is a 50 per cent club member’s day coming up.
I could check, but as a rule I don’t buy anything electric from a garage sale or a thrift shop. You never know when some jerk will clean up an old toaster that only half works and try to sell it to someone.
My next option is to go to The Big Store.
In the small appliance section, the first toaster I see is $169.95.
Those of you that follow this column know that I base all purchases on the fact I paid $100 for my first car, so it’s not likely I’m laying out this much bread for a toaster.
But I am curious. I figure that it must be a multi-purpose appliance like a vacuum cleaner/toaster with retractable wheels and hoses. Maybe it connects to your home alarm system and pops up when the burglar enters the kitchen, scaring the daylights out of him.
Maybe it has an ‘app’ that connects to your cellphone so you can start toasting when you are a couple blocks away on the way home or upstairs shaving. But, reading the box reveals none of those features, this is just a very expensive toaster.
It has a lot of buttons on the side and two levers on the end. It somewhat resembles the dashboard of a 1963 Chrysler.
One of the buttons controls a ‘Lift and Look’ feature so you can raise the carriage, see how your toast is coming along, and put it back down without disrupting the toasting cycle.
Almost like taking the bread out and turning it around to toast the other side.
Another button controls the volume on the ‘audible alert’ feature that signals you when the toast is about to pop up, and then there is the ‘Bit More’ button so you can make it just a bit darker without going through the whole cycle again.
I’m not making this up.
Another feature is the ‘Reheat’ setting for when someone calls on the phone while you are eating breakfast, you can touch up your cold toast.
Add the LCD display, the stainless steel body, a choice of enhancing colors, 1800 watts of toasting energy and you will never have a bad piece of toast again.
My last option is to hope my kids read this and know that Dad needs a small, white toaster for Christmas.
There is no such thing as a toaster worth $170 but, obviously, there are people who will pay $170 for a toaster. At least that’s what McGregor says.