Odd Thoughts: As much fat as you can swallow

The average person packs on the pounds during the holidays.

Okay. I have to admit it.

I have always been something of a Luddite, but there is no getting around the fact: the Internet is amazing.

You can find anything – absolutely anything at all – on the Internet… if you can swallow anything at all.

In the 1990s, the average person could expect to swallow enough to gain six pounds over the holiday season, and on average, never get back to their pre-Christmas weight.

In the following decade, British people expected that their average citizen – no name or address given – would gain seven to ten pounds in the month leading up to and including New Year’s Day.

Proof that the British are basically an optimistic people rests in their belief that that average citizen was destined to shed the added weight by mid-March – again, no vital information is offered, so we can’t look him or her up and see if their belief matched reality.

Americans, according to the results of a study conducted in Texas during that same decade, were found to gain only about one pound during the holidays.

But the study also suggested that once that pound took up residence in a Texan’s body, it rarely left, and in ensuing months, was more likely to call over all its friends, who would call over all their friends, who would call over all their friends…

Now, in the current decade, we have reached a new understanding.

It doesn’t matter what country you’re from (so I assume that includes us), you will gain weight over the holidays… but not because of the holidays! Our propensity to gain weight over Thanksgiving dinner, add to it with Christmas cheer, and multiply it by New Year’s celebration is purely coincidental.

We gain weight because our bodies like getting fat in preparation for the winter solstice.

That being the case, I expect to achieve my peak weight for this season at 2:23 in the afternoon next Friday. After that, I look forward to the days getting longer again, and my body getting lanker.

In the meantime, I’m going to follow the most up-to-date psychological advice available, and not worry about my holiday weight, because it’s actually worrying about my weight that threatens to exacerbate my solstice-inspired weight gain. It’s not the cream puffs, turkey stuffing, or egg nog.

It’s all there on the Internet… if you can swallow that.

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Another Langley school hit by graffitti

Much of the exterior of Simonds was covered with spray-painted comments

BREAKING: Heavy police response at Aldergrove army base after single-vehicle incident

Vehicle rolled over into ditch near 40 Avenue on 272 Street Sunday afternoon

VIDEO: Langley’s first Pride Fest considered a sign of progress

Because of COVID-19, the event had to be virtual

QUIZ: Do you know the truth?

In what has been described as a post-truth era, how much do you know about truth and lies?

NHL playoffs: Canucks to meet St. Louis Blues in Round 1

Vancouver takes on defending champs beginning Wednesday

Fraser Valley Bandits fall to Edmonton in CEBL final

Bandits lose 90-73 to Stingers in Sunday’s Summer Series final

Simon Cowell breaks his back falling from electric bike

Incident happened at his home in California

VIDEO: Internet famous Yukon-based bhangra dancer explores Vancouver Island

Gurdeep Pandher spreads joy through dance, forms cross-cultural connections amid pandemic

Unofficial holidays: the weird and wonderful things people celebrate around the world

On any given day of the year, there are several strange, silly or serious holidays to observe

Fraser Valley Bandits advance to CEBL Championship Game

Bandits post comeback 76-75 win over Hamilton Honey Badgers in Saturday’s semifinal

IHIT on scene of suspicious early-morning fire on rural Mission property

Entrance to Gunn Avenue property cordoned off while investigation takes place, updates coming

Moving on: Tanev scores 11 seconds into OT as Canucks oust Wild

Vancouver beats Minnesota 5-4 to move into first round of NHL playoffs

Most Read