Painful Truth: Have yourself a very science fictional season!

Painful Truth: Have yourself a very science fictional season!

Self-assembling ornaments and lasers on Santa’s sleigh bring out the science in the holidays!

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Also, have a festive Solstice and a cheerful Saturnalia!

While I could theoretically celebrate none of the seasonal holidays, being not particularly religious, I was brought up with Christmas.

I’d just like to make a few… changes. See, the other thing I was brought up with was science fiction.

First off, Santa Claus. There’s a pleasant, old world, vaguely Nordic theme to Santa. Reindeer from Finland, a Teutonic cottage tucked into the frozen north, elves no doubt descended from German kobolds, put to work as craftsmen.

But could it be more… nerdy?

Perhaps what Santa needs aren’t eight flying reindeer, but eight cloned raptors (utahraptor, dakotaraptor, deinonychus, I’m not fussy). The fully-feathered carnivorous dinosaurs may eat the odd elf, but that’s a small price to pay for the joy of children finding a raptor feather in their yard come Christmas morning.

We’ll outfit the sleigh itself with a laser defense system, in case it runs into Krampus.

Now that Santa’s updated, we can turn to the tree.

Lights? Sure, but why not boost the candlepower by connecting to a home-based portable fusion generator? Or, if we’re being conservative, a fourth-gen mobile fission generator based on fissile liquified salts. (They hardly ever melt down!)

Ornaments? Why have boring old regular ornaments when you can get a package of self-assembling robotic decorations, that will scale the tree themselves. And hang the tinsel, while they’re at it.

As for the food, we’re obviously going to go with turkey. One made from reconstituted soy protein, of course, to protect the environment. For egg nog, nothing but the finest – straight from the genetically modified cow. (The cows that make the spiked egg nog are always a little woozy.)

From the carbon-fibre stockings hung by the airlock with care to the small white-dwarf star held in place atop the tree by magnetic fields, everything is perfect for the sci-fi season.

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